


O BB Poison

by dnovep



Series: God Made It Rain [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bipolar Disorder, Blood, Delusions, Depression, Illusions, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, M/M, Manic Episode, Paranoia, Pre-diagnosis, Psychosis, Skype, Vomiting, sequel will have a happier ending sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 23:34:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14725715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dnovep/pseuds/dnovep
Summary: "There’s a light flashing in his room and it takes Dan a little time to work out that it’s the light from his digital clock flashing against the walls. Bright blue light on light brown, there, gone, there, gone, there, gone."Canon-divergent 2009 fic feat. bipolar!Dan, based off my own bipolar.





	O BB Poison

**Author's Note:**

> “Heavily stricken witness visions / Omens wall to wall followed by a loss of any and all symptoms” – 'BB Poison' by Death Grips.
> 
> The depictions of mania and depression here come from my own experiences with Type 1 Bipolar Disorder (Rapid Cycling). Other people might have different experiences with bipolar. All typos and grammatical errors are intentional to mimic thought disturbance.
> 
> When I started writing ‘dreamweaver’ I told myself I wouldn’t post anything new until I finished that but I wanted to write and I’m not in the right brainspace for ‘dreamweaver’-writing and this is a one-shot anyway so it’s ok I think. Also, this will probably have a sequel about recovery and stuff at some point. 
> 
> I made a playlist for this fic too, here: https://open.spotify.com/user/nova-november/playlist/2HeVYu2PeYieLStufrSV0Z

There’s a light flashing in his room and it takes Dan a little time to work out that it’s the light from his digital clock flashing against the walls. Bright blue light on light brown, there, gone, there, gone, there, gone. Dan’s brain is a little ‘whirry’, he can’t sleep, not tired. He could close his eyes but they won’t shut, it occurs to him that his eyelids are held apart by invisible matches or toothpicks maybe, but the thought’s gone as soon as it came.

Dan’s had these moods since he was fifteen, brain going bristle-y and static, quick. Back then, they usually led to nights out with the older kids drinking because it felt good good good until he was puking and laughing through the sick spitting out of him. Peach Shnapps all over the concrete. Oops. A stumble home alone.

The ‘Ups’ have never lasted long before the absent grey sadness seeped back in – a few hours or a few days. They’re getting longer though and worse and it’s always worse in Summer. The end of July in 2009 is hazy hot at nights and vivid like a high-def cartoon during the days, sun beaming into Dan’s skin so strong he can feel it tan him.

Dan’s window is open ‘cos it’s hot. The blue blink on his walls goes on, off, on, off. Dan thinks he feels a bit like that. His laptop whirrs on the floor on Sleep mode, lid shut. It feels like it might open by itself any minute now.

The clock says 03:43, so Dan and Phil must’ve stopped Skyping hours ago. Phil had been falling asleep on the call, so they’d said goodbye. Dan thinks of how soft and peaceful and beautiful Phil had looked with his eyes falling shut, mumbling ‘goodnight’ into his pillow. Dan can’t remember what that feels like, to be sleepy, falling asleep easy. His eyes feel dry and he can hear his own breaths fast and shallow, feels the pillow under his head and the blanket over him in excruciating detail. He feels _sticky_ and _aware_ and _vaguely horny_.

Sleep’s a long time coming and Dan wakes up only a couple of hours later. His brain sounds like ‘BRRRR!!!!’ It’s very loud and taps Dan’s limbs.

 

* * *

 

 

Phil texts Dan “have u seen pjs new vid?? cool :o”

Dan texts back a selfie of himself shirtless in bed and then a message: “OFO COURSE IVE SEEN  IT LOL its good!!!!!! XD” He feels very sexy and fun, and is sure that Phil thinks so too. It’s a good day! Dan feels GOOD!

Phil texts back: “O_O”, and then “‘ofo’ lol”. Dan literally laughs out loud when he reads it. Phil is so FUNNY!

 

* * *

 

 

Dan’s girlfriend breaks up with him and it’s very sad because they did love each other Dan thinks and he understands that a long-distance relationship probably wouldn’t work for them and she wants to be free to explore when she gets to Uni but he still cries in bed for two hours until he sits up and tells himself it’s ok and beams at nothing and tap tap taps his feet and hands. Dan thinks he should tidy his room, so he does, although it mainly involves organising his socks into a system based on colour, pattern, and length.

When he’s done Dan lies on the floor of his bedroom on his back and stares up at the ceiling. This ‘Up’ is lasting longer than usual. He tries to think of when it started – maybe a week ago? Time’s a bit hazy blurry at the moment. He lifts his arms and lets them fall, does it again. Then he stands up to reorganise his desk.

 

* * *

 

 

“Are you okay Dan?” Phil’s pretty pretty eyes (pixelated and concerned) are watching Dan pace his room.

He can’t stop Dan can’t stop MOVING. His mum and Dad keep telling him to ‘slow down, sit still’ but they don’t understand, he CAN’T. If Dan stops moving it builds up inside him, all this endless energy like a test tube filling up-up-up until the rubber cork at the top EXPLODES and of course Dan hasn’t literally exploded – in the mirror he checks to see if he’s exploded on his next pace past it and all he sees is his wide eyes and maybe he’s lost a bit of weight so that’s nice –

“Dan? Dan, you still there?”

Dan leaps back over to the laptop and finishes his jump with a neat little handshake (very cool if he says so himself). “I am here! Are you here?”

“I’m here.” Phil looks a bit sad and Dan can’t work out why.

“Hey, why are you sad? It’s a good day blue eyes, blue blue blue blue – sorry” Dan giggles because he knows it’s a bit weird how his brain gets stuck on words sometimes now, or rhymes them in loops (loops lucky up up and away daytime blue-time feeling fine-time). But Phil doesn’t look reassured by his giggle. If anything he looks a little frustrated.

“You’re not okay. Dan… Dammit.” Phil sighs, which blows his fringe up a little. Dan laughs so hard at this he starts crying and his knees collapse under him. His ribs hurt and he can hear Phil asking ‘what’s so funny?’ but he just can’t get the air to tell him.

“Your hair – your hair! It just,” he waves his hands around to mimic the movement “whoosh!!”

“You’re not making sense. Have you been drinking Dan? Have you taken anything, smoked?”

Suddenly Dan’s a little irritated with Phil. He’s already asked this at the start of the call!! Well, if Phil isn’t going to fucking listen to him, he’s sure as shit not going to listen to Phil. He slams his laptop shut, effectively ending the call, and punches the bed until the anger shifts back to giddy glee. That was funny! Phil’s face was so funny! And, oh God, he remembers the way his hair went up! and he’s giggling again.

 

* * *

 

 

The ups only ever last so long, and the comedown is all the more painful for its inevitability.

This is a ‘Low’, and it’s a bad one. As low as the up was high.

Phil doesn’t text him. Dan doesn’t care anyway. It’s not like he’d have the energy to text back.

He watches the Autumn light move across his walls. The stale air suffocates him, but it’s too cold to open the window. And besides, it’s too far away.

His parents leave him alone. They’re just glad he’s being quiet now.

Dan remembers how only a week ago he was racing around the house, literally bouncing off the walls. It seems impossible now.

His fringe is oily and curling. It’s uncomfortable against his forehead. Everything is vaguely uncomfortable.

The movement required to push his fringe back requires work. Big breath in. And out. Self-imposed countdown. _When I get to one, I’ll move my arm up_. Three. Two. _One_. Hair pushed away, Dan’s hand lies limp and useless next to his face. The effort of it all makes a single tear drip down, over his nose, onto the grimy pillowcase under his head.

It’s so quiet.

 

* * *

 

 

After four days Dan finds the energy to slowly sit up, pick up his phone, and text Phil.

“i’m sorry. weird month. sorry.”

The reply is surprisingly quick, as if Phil had been waiting for him. “i was worried. feel any better now?x”

Dan sits in his bed and looks at Phil’s reply until the words stop meaning anything. His brain is unhelpful and silent. He has no idea how to reply.

It’s too much. He doesn’t know how to reply. Dan lets the screen fade to black and cries properly for the first time in a week.

He mourns for his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. He cries for the worry he made his family and Phil feel. He sobs out of fear, that he could be so _out of it_ for no clear reason. The terror that it might happen again. The sickening worry that he might be really ill.

He wonders if somewhere Phil is crying too, and hates himself for the possibility of it. Dan _hates_ himself.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s so easy to pretend it never happened. The next day Dan isn’t really… okay. But he’s back to his normal, and he’s not bed-bound anymore. So that’s cool.

“hey, good morning! sorry for disappearing yesterday, mum and dad wanted another talk XP” It’s believable; previous text conversations have been forcibly paused by Dan’s parents when they’ve decided a ‘Let’s Grill Dan About His Future, University, And Career Choices’ lecture was necessary. “but yes, skype later? :D”

The wait for a reply is tense this time. It gives Dan time to make himself breakfast, take it up to his room, eat and drink alone, then take his empty cereal bowl and mug down to the kitchen. When he gets back to his room, there’s a reply. “OK sure :)” No ‘x’ this time.

 

* * *

 

 

The conversation is fine, if tiring. Phil asks what happened the past few months and Dan lies his ass off about exam results stress and the break-up making him feel weird and just not sleeping enough (he definitely hadn’t been sleeping enough, but that was more due to the constant noise in his head and the constant need to move-move-move than anything else). Phil doesn’t need to know how crazy he is. Dan thinks Phil might really like him. He can’t lose that. If Phil knew how crazy Dan was… well, Dan wouldn’t blame him if they stopped talking.

Phil seems to accept his reasoning and the conversation moves on. It’s not quite as easy as it was before, but they still talk ‘til after midnight. When they say goodnight and end their call it’s nearly 1 a.m.

It’s the 20th of October.

 

* * *

 

 

Everything’s ok until the start of December. The peak of Winter feels the same as Mid-Summer, everything hyper-real and a little surreal at the same time. The air smells of cold and wood and the snow blankets everything, reflecting the light until until the contrast between the dark grey buildings of Wokingham and the brilliant white of the ground and sky is overwhelming in its vividness. In weather like this, Dan feels like he’s living in a postcard.

It starts the same way it always does: Dan feels better than usual. He supposes this is ‘normal’ for most people, to feel faintly happy most of the time. To breathe easily, smile often. It’s nice. He sleeps 7 to 8 hours every night, _at_ night! He’s not nocturnal anymore, which means he sees his family more often. They say it’s nice to see him again in that pointed way that means they’re annoyed that he hasn’t been a part of the family recently. But he is now! He visits his Grandma (she says it’s nice to see him so upbeat). He buys Christmas presents for his family, immediate and extended, and friends.

By mid-December he’s sleeping less again (3 or 4 hours a night). It’s okay, he tells himself, he’s just excited for Christmas. He has the Festive Spirit! Still, when he can’t sleep at night he often feels anxious. He remembers how it all started back in July, tries to force himself to sleep. Scrunches up his eyes ‘til they’re so tightly shut he can see shapes in the darkness behind his eyelids. Dan’s breathing gets too quick and he makes himself stay laid in bed, whispering to himself “slow down, slow down”.

Nothing’s slowing down.

Dan buys more presents for people. He can’t stop buying things, for Phil especially. That’s the trouble with Internet shopping he supposes, it’s all right there! All he has to do is press a button and ta-da!! It’s his. The thought of Phil’s happy face when he opens his gift is enough to wipe out any awareness of how quickly his bank account balance is disappearing.

When he’s out buying things in town one day (after telling his dad he was going to go look for a Christmas job – _“Bit bloody late for that.”_ ) he finds himself in the alcohol section of Marks & Spencers. The bottles look so pretty, so neatly lined up. He thinks of how good it feels to get drunk, tastes peach in his mouth. Buys a bottle of vodka small enough to hide if he needs to. Thank God he’s eighteen now, a flash of his Passport can get him almost anything.

In Skype calls he thrills Phil with joke after joke, surely bewitching Phil with his _quick wit_ , his _beauty_ when he takes his top off for him. Phil seems a little surprised, but soon takes his off too. Score!!

After a couple sessions of Skype sex, one day Phil suggests they should meet in real life, maybe. Dan likes YouTube, right? Well, some friends of Phil’s who do YouTube are having a New Years Eve party in London. Would Dan like to come?

Dan loves parties!! He feels so good all the time now and it would be so amazing to see Phil and Phil is going to think he is so handsome in real life! The only concern for Dan is that his memory is a little bit hazy nowadays, not perfect, so he can’t be sure if he’ll remember all his new friends’ names, but he’s sure they’ll like him anyway! They can get drunk and make out and it’ll be so amazing amazing amazing!!!!! LIFE IS SO GOOD!!!

(Sometimes in the middle of the night Dan stands in front of his mirror. He thinks his reflection is moving without him. It’s very scary.)

Lights flicker behind Dan’s eyes. Everything moves so fast. Christmas happens. Time is irrelevant, so he lets it sweep over him. Dan is constantly moving moving moving everything feels brand new the light on his clock is gone blue gone blue gone blue blue blue like Phil’s pretty pretty eyes, life is SO GOOD.

 

* * *

 

 

Dan’s mum told him to have a shower and she’s a good mum she loves him very much so Dan has a shower. When he steps out the water is still dripping a little bit and even while he looks at it and watches each teeny-tiny droplet hit the tub he hears it as voices, conversations he can’t quite reach. It’s a bit odd, but he’s not worried.

Sometimes the cars outside his window sound like whales and Dan pictures them flying past or swimming if the road is a river is a road and they are friendly and love him too.

Dan has always wanted to be a YouTuber and he knows he would be an amazing one he has it all planned out so he makes a video and it’s hilarious!!!! Dan’s very very funny and he uploads it without any editing because there isn’t time!!!!! Dan has things to do and he can’t very well sit around moving clips and cutting out slips of the tongue and thinking that makes him picture his tongue slipping out and lots of blood so he needs to hop around in front of his mirror and stick his tongue out as far as it can go and it’s ok!!!!! It’s still there but it’s a bit spooky ‘cos he can see flashes of blood running down his chin or maybe just the idea of what it would look like??? People have always told Dan he has a good imagination so maybe he’s just imaging a copper taste red red red red red red –

Phil smiles and tells Dan the video was cool, “very experimental”, but he looks worried again. Dan doesn’t want that, so he tells Phil that he loves him!!!!!!!! But that just makes Phil looks sad and he tells Dan he’s going to go to sleep. Sleep is boring !!! Dan doesn’t need to SLEEP doesn’t ever need to he has so much to do!!!!!!

Suddenly time shifts and the New Years Eve Party is tomorrow and Dan needs an incredible outfit and he hasn’t slept at all in 49 hours so everything looks even more vivid than it has been! In town everyone is very focused on Dan and they stare at him and he wants to jab his thumbs right in their stare-y little eyes and he’s not sure he didn’t so he walks faster but when he gets into H&M it’s way too loud and there’s too much and everyone there is watching him and they’re planning something and he isn’t safe

but when he gets home he feel s really good again so that’s good and he’s going to a party tomorrow to meet PHIL the love of his LIFE!!!!!! dan spends the night dancing in his room and he films another youtube video but he doesn’t post it cos the laptop seems a bit threatening and the whirs it’s making souind like a conversation the camera in it watches him cos it’s the government or something maybe, cos he's very special, his thoughts won’t stick on a path long enough to work out who it is watching him but he is vVEry IMPORTANT so of course they are watching

and then he;s on a bus and then he’s at the trainstation and a part of his brain is screaming “JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!!!” but he walks away from the edge and paces around the station watching the letters and numbers on the signs above his head move around and switch places with each other and it’s really funny and he can’t stop smiling he’s so EXCITED to meet PHIL!!!!!!!

the train is talking too and it’s not as fun as the station cos everyone on it is staring at him and he cant stop tapping his legs and he wants to walk around but he can’t cos theres a lot of people and they’re all staring at him and they want him dead, dan thikns he’s going to be sick

he stumbles off at st pancras station and somehow finds phil who’s white as a sheet and not smiling when he sees dan and dan isn’t smiling either but he INSISTS they go to the party cos he didn’t come all this fucking way to not to go to the shit damn party PHIL and phil shushes him and says he’s making a scene but dan wants to go to the party and all the people in the station scare him it’s too bright and noisy so phil takes him to the party

phil’s a bit shaky and says to himself “oh god” and when they get there he tells a friend “sorry I didn’t know what to do

I don’t want to leave him alone.”


End file.
